Archive for the ‘Things that annoy Lisa’ Category

I was told by a 65 year old woman that  Christmas lights look party’ish and “ghetto.” I was  angered by what she said but not too much.

I have Christmas lights in my garage. They light up my garage. This lady assumed a lot of things about me from some measly Christmas light.

From a set of Christmas lights that were hung on the ceiling for the sole use of illuminating the room, this lady assumed I was a partier and a slut. I kind of thought it was funny but at the same time was like, ‘WHAT!’ Some people are so weird in how they come up with crap in their head.

So…it is interesting how people formulate things in their minds, on what they add up and what they conclude as the answer. We all perceive things so differently. You wonder what happened to that persons mind along the way. Do you feel sorry, do you care, or do you decide to dislike them? That’s a tough call. Some people are just stuck…right, or they use the excuse that they have reached the age where you are supposed to be stuck.

So this morning my landlord walked into the kitchen as I was heating up some breakfast in the microwave. She insisted that I have to press stop twice on the microwave because when more than one of the LED green lights shines on the ‘timer’ display window…more electricity is used. People, is this true? Someone out there can you give me a response on this one?

I thought that was crazy and that my landlord was being a little over dramatic…but you tell me my oywebbers?

My boss loves the TV shoe, Intervention. You know, that drug intervention show where people are on all sorts of heavy drugs and then they intervene and send them off to rehab. Well well well, if I haven’t told you already, my boss and I love to play pranks on each other. Usually they are harmless silly pranks but not today, not today.

Apparently he looked in the phone book for a real ‘live’ interventionist in the Boca area. Um yes…he actually dished out like 300.00 to have a real intervention take place ON ME.

Ok…the door bell rings. I answer it. To my surprise it is a group of people. They make themselves at home in the office and start their intervention. My boss told them I was addicted to aerosols, inhaling them.

It took me almost 20 minutes to tell these retards that it was all a joke, that I wasn’t a drug addict, that this was all a mistake. They weren’t buying it.

I don’t know how he pulled this off but he arranged for me to be baker acted. How the heck do you do that without a write off from a doctor…someone out there…DO YOU KNOW?????

Long story short, I became very pissed off and I was physically forced to exit the house while being escorted by a police officer.

Shall I say unpleasant…

As the cop was getting ready to pull me away my boss runs out from the bushes laughing. Him and his wife are cracking up at this point. If you ask me, that’s sick. What kind of human being does that to someone else? I can imagine rubbing someone’s toothbrush between your buttocks but not this. This was utterly and completely uncalled for. It was juvenile and immature.

I KID YOU NOT…THIS EVENT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Lets just say…I could practically teach the portion of my psychology class about intervention and baker acting someone.

All I can say is…IT’S ON!!!!!

I haven’t slept in 3 days because I figure I can get more done without sleeping and besides sleeping is so boring. I am so lucky because my body can handle no sleep. I’m like a robot who never has to sleep. It is great. I bet I could go on for two weeks like this and not feel the slightest difference in my health. Day three has proven to show no effects…day 14 here we come.

Boy, am I getting a lot done lately. It’s amazing what you can get done without sleep. But I do have to say that I am feeling a little odd lately. I guess this isn’t natural, it isn’t normal to not sleep. My body is fighting it and so am I. We are determined to break a world record and not sleep for 2 weeks straight.

I’ll be sure to keep you updated on my progress…YAY!

O my gosh, so yeah…I went to this party and it was so much fun. Everybody there was so nice except for this one guy who hit me in the face and said I was ugly and that I smelled like cabbage. I used to smell like cabbage but then I started taking showers and using soap. I took much of offense to his comment. I slapped him back in the face and told him that he also smelled.

Then…I violently made out with him. It was amazing. The chemistry was off the hook. His breath and saliva even tasted like a port ‘o’ John but I didn’t care. I accepted his crap tasting saliva and kept on kissing. AND…no, I wasn’t on drugs. This was love, the best drug there is.

After the slobber session, we went to the snack table and enjoyed a plate of hot chips and salsa together. I just knew it was love at first sight. We started talking on the couch. Our conversation went pretty well. I was pleased with where it was going until he pulled out a freezer sized zip lock bag and said that he had something to show me. He pulled out two barbie dolls, a Ken and a Barbie. He started banging (no pun intended) them together, saying, “this is how we’ll have babies one day.” I know this sounds so weird but the love and chemistry between us was too strong to let these dumb little barriers get in the way. It’s the chemicals man, the chemicals between two humans that one can not separate.

I mean…this was love, true love at its finest. What else could there be in life. Granted, he did have bad smelling breath and he did slap my face calling me ugly…but God, I just knew this was right. All the signs were there.

The next day we eloped to Las Vegas to get married and start a family together. I didn’t tell anyone.

That night  we joined as man and wife in the heavenly bed. I was so excited to ‘become one’ with my soul mate. He adorned me with rose pedals and told me that my face could have never looked prettier.

He went to the bathroom and said that he’d be right back.

The bathroom door swung open so hard that the picture on the wall fell down. He ran as fast as he could to embrace me. He was sooo sexy, like a wild beast in its element. Everything stopped in my mind. Everything was in slow motion. My mind was replaying its life’s history, continuously thanking God for the opportunity at love, the opportunity to experience this pure and beautiful element of our existence.

As he got closer I saw that his private part area was like a map without any topographic lines.

He told me that his penis had burned off in the tragic fire of 1982.  Apparently his elementary school burned to the ground.

The remnants were like this ashy, grey looking mole now. I was like, ‘what the hey!”

I walked out and said it was over. We never spoke again from that point on.